You might be a Calvinist if......

From the good people at Tom in the Box. Enjoy!

You Might Be A Calvinist

Atlanta, Georgia -- Note: TBNN is pleased to have Jeff Foxworthy as Saturday Morning's guest writer.

Jeff: I'm happy to fill in to today for Brother Slawson.

You know, between Lakewood and Lynchburg, there's over 30 million people who I'd call "my people." Many of these folks are Calvinists, they just don't know it. I've designed for today a few little test questions to help you determine if there is a large likelihood that you are a Calvinist. So, if sitting in a tub full of scissors sounds more appealing to you than listening to a Sunday School class share their personal gut feelings about a Bible verse, you are a good candidate.

If you have a Martin Luther Jell-O mold, you just might be a Calvinist.

If your child’s first word was “Westminster”, you just might be a Calvinist.

Or, if you send your mother tulips on Mother’s Day,

… you might be a Calvinist.

If you still remember the 8 speakers in order from the recent T4G conference, or

If a free Bible has ever arrived in the mail to you from John McArthur, or

If you have ever purchased 100 or more copies of the same John Piper book to hand out to random people you meet,

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If you purchased an MP3 player with the sole purpose of downloading sermons, or

If you were shocked to just discover that some people download MP3 files that are not sermons, or

If you have adjusted the default passage setting at www.biblegateway.org from “NIV” to “ESV”

… you might be a Calvinist.

If your preacher says to turn to Obadiah and you do not use the index, or

If you think a 50-minute sermon is too short, or

If you’ve ever heard a wave of groans sweep through Sunday School when you refer to Romans 9,

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If you find yourself talking to the Lord Jesus more than to your family, and

If you find yourself wanting to read your Bible instead of watching television, and

If quotes from Pink, Spurgeon, Luther, Piper, and McArthur pop into your head at random times during the day

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you are confused when someone uses the term “my Bible” as if they only have one, and

If your Bibles must be replaced in less than a year due to pages separating from the spine, and

If you smile, nod and hold your tongue with your teeth after a lively church service when someone says, “God showed up today”

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you’ve ever shouted “YES!” when the pastor says to turn to 1st Thessalonians, and

If you see 6:37 on a digital clock and think of the Lord Jesus’ words in John, and

If you’ve muted a Thanksgiving football game because it’s interfering with your family discussion of Ephesians 1

…you might be a Calvinist.

If you have bookmarked three or more preachers’ scripture index webpages, and

If you’ve ever been banned from a Sunday School class for quoting scripture, and

If you have ever purposefully sung a different word in a hymn to conform to scripture,

… you might be a Calvinist.

If your kids own more Bibles than televisions, and

If your children never ask you “Where are we going?” on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night, and

If you’ve ever read parts of “The Bondage of the Will” to children under ten and prayed that it would change their lives

…you just might be a Calvinist.

If your child received detention at his Christian school after shouting, “But I am a Hedonist Pyromaniac!” or

If your children argue and you require them to listen to a Piper Sermon as punishment, or

If you visit pyromaniacs, tominthebox, spurgeon.org, desiringgod.org, and gty.org, more than once a day, yes…

You just might…. I say you just might…. Yes… you just might be a Calvinist


And if you look at 3:16 on a digital clock and feel the same sense of gratitude, you might be a Calvinist no longer in the cage stage!

If you are in the doctor's waiting room and your friend says, "Hey, why don't we read your Checkbook?"

If you ever have found yourself thinking "My pastor's sermon was particularly Spurgeonesque this morning"

If eating pork reminds you of Acts 10 and then leads to contemplating the glories of the New Covenant in Christ

If you read your books' Table of Contents for edification and conviction

If you purposefully read a book to be convicted

If you wonder how many people will scratch their heads when you go out witnessing and tell them you are from the "REFORMED Baptist Church"

If you are trying to reserve the term "awesome" for God and His deeds alone, and you have accountability partners to help you with it

If the psalter selection "How Shall the Young Direct Thy Way" is precious to you

If you find yourself whistling "Wondrous King All Glorious" as you walk down the street

If you feel the urge to start whistling "A Mighty Fortress" as you walk past the local Catholic high-school

If you comment on a blog knowing that somehow that your pastor will run across it

If you are scratching your head wondering which one of the men you call "my pastor" will read it

...you might be a Calvinist.
If your library is worth more than your car - and none of your books are sold at LifeWay - you might be a Calvinist.

If you actually see all the members of your church every week, you might be a Calvinist.

If you've ever taught a Sunday School class on 'who really killed Jesus' you might be a Calvinist.


  1. Excellent for a laugh from this Calvinist!

    We were just reading them over in #prosapologian and chuckling :D

    Enjoyed them!

  2. So, if you love the word of God, enjoy good preaching and read your Bible... ;-)

    Many a truth is said in jest!

  3. When it started out I didn't think I would like it, but then it got pretty good. :)

    I am sending it to my friends in hopes they will be convicted of their Arminianism.